Interview with Mayor Mystery
By "Smart" Mark K. Fabe
“Smart” Mark K. Fabe recently sat down with Mayor Mystery, the alleged mayor of Parts Unknown. Below is an excerpt from the interview.
MF: Mayor Mystery, thank you for taking a few moments to talk to me for the Pgh Pro Website.
MM: You should be honored, Mark. Not only are you talking to a well-respected elected official, a MAYOR, you are talking to a wrestling legend. I am Mayor Mystery … yes, THE Mayor Mystery.
MF: Mr. Mayor, you claim to be the mayor of Parts Unknown. But “Parts Unknown” has long been a phrase used in wrestling when a grappler’s home town is not known. Can you explain?
MM: I get the “phrase to describe an unknown hometown” thing a lot. But how do you KNOW Parts Unknown is not a real town? Many fools, such as yourself, have long assumed Parts Unknown to be simply a phrase used when a wrestler’s hometown is unknown. But that is false. You know what happens when we assume, Mark. Parts Unknown is a real town. It just happens to be a town with a unique name, like Slippery Rock, PA or Intercourse, PA.
MF: I see. Well then where, exactly, is Parts Unknown located?
MM: Part of the charm of Parts Unknown is that it’s not overly developed. It still has that quaint, hometown feel. I don’t want it being overrun by rabid autograph-seeking wrestling fans, so I’m going to keep that to myself. If you’re too dumb to use an atlas, well then that’s your problem.
MF: Can you at least mention what state it is in?
MM: No. The only clue I’ll give you is that it’s within an hour drive from Gotham City. Not too far from Atlantis.
MF: So you are the Mayor then, is there a Deputy Mayor too?
MM: That’s none of your business. The inner-workings of the Parts Unknown government is knowledge reserved for our fine citizens.
MF: Well, if you are an elected official, are you a democrat or a republican?
MM: I'm not a member of either of those parties. I'm a member of the Helping Everyone and Eternal Life party, also know as the HEEL party.
MF: What is Parts Unknown’s chief industry?
MM: We have a number of thriving businesses in various industries in Parts Unknown. Our chief product is cloth masks. We also produce a lot of face paint, salt (for throwing in people’s eyes), canes, and poultry.
MF: You’ve mentioned that you despise Pittsburgh. Why is that?
MM: For one thing, Pittsburgh sucks. Another reason is because Pittsburgh has this reputation as the city that has produced more wrestling legends than any other city. That is such a joke. My town, Parts Unknown, has produced more wrestling legends than ANY CITY ON THE PLANET! True, Pittsburgh has produced Shane Douglas, Kurt Angle, Larry Zbyszko and Bruno Sammartino to name a few. But they are all overrated. Parts Unknown has produced hundreds of wrestling legends. The Missing Link, Ax, Smash, the Red Demon, The Masked Assassin, Spaceman Frank Hickey, Lord Zoltan, The Specialist. I could go on for hours.
MF: Has Pittsburgh produced ANY wrestlers or wrestling personalities that don’t “suck” in your opinion?
MM: Harvey Whimpleman. Actually, I’m trying to get him to move to Parts Unknown right now.
MF: At the Rumble in the Rox 2 you brought in the Specialist and Lord Zoltan to prove that Parts Unknown was superior to Pittsburgh. Yet, Dean the Dream defeated the Specialist and Larry Zbyszko defeated Lord Zoltan. Does that make Pittsburgh better after all?
MM: Absolutely not. If you watch the tape, Dean the Dream got lucky. The Specialist had him pinned several times and Dean the Dream clearly tapped out when the Specialist locked on the figure four. Referee Dave Webb is incompetent and screwed things up. Then, in the main event, Larry Zbyszko cheated several times to beat Lord Zoltan. Zbyszko used clenched fists. He draped Zoltan over the top rope, severely injuring the Lord’s gonads. That should have been an automatic disqualification. It didn’t help things that Dave Webb was again the referee. He’s a buffoon of Hordykian proportions.
MF: Who would you consider to be the greatest wrestler from Parts Unknown?
MM: That is a very hard question. There are so many great ones; it’s hard for me to pick one. But Lord Zoltan is up there, Ax is up there. Able is up there. And, of course, Spaceman Frank Hickey.
MF: What are your future goals as Mayor?
MM: My goals as mayor are to keep Parts Unknown a happy place to live by levying taxes upon other cities so we don’t have to pay any.
MF: Are you taking your war to any other wrestling promotions?
MM: Yes. Parts Unknown has declared war on all of wrestling. Just recently we made our way to IWC where I was on an important recruiting mission, trying to get Kamala and Kim Chee to relocate to Parts Unknown. We want our just due as a city that has produced the most wrestling legends. People laugh at us, but we won’t rest until we are taken seriously. That’s why I’ve stepped out from behind the mayor’s desk, to lead the Parts Unknown Posse to new heights.
MF: What, exactly, is the Parts Unknown Posse?
MM: Parts Unknown posse is my stable. Ha ha ha ha ha! Included in the PUP is every wrestler from my home town. Just how many that includes we’ll keep a mystery. But I have countless wrestlers to choose from on any given night and we’re always trying to recruit new members.
MF: What is next for the Parts Unknown Posse?
MM: We’ll continue to take on the wrestling world in our noble fight for representation as the top wrestling city on the planet. We especially despise Pittsburgh and we’ll continue to wage the war here. But we’ll also wage the war across the country.
MF: Are there any other cities you especially hate the way you do Pittsburgh?
MM: There are no cities we hate as much as Pittsburgh, but we do have big issues with Raleigh, State College, Philadelphia, and Galativille.
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